Sometimes I’m happy one second and the next I’m this awful sad feeling that I don’t have a name for quite yet. I keep everything inside until it pours out, but I guess it’s because everything’s so much easier when no one is worrying about me. I have this fake smile I wear and I guess it’s really good because no one notices that it’s fake. I work so hard to please everyone around me and it will never be good enough. I’m just a mess. I dont know where I want to go in life, but everything is happening so fast. My family’s so dysfunctional and no one understands my confusing unhappy life. God says everyone holds a purpose & I guess I do too, but I can’t figure out what it is. I dont know who I am even though I’m already so far into life..
I’m tired of putting on a smile. I’m tired of telling everyone I’m okay whn I’m not. I’m tired of passing him in the hallway and pretending like we don’t know eachother when in reality he means everything to me. I’m tired of living this life that’s not real. Real life is I’m hurt, broken, and torn up inside. I miss being with him. I miss the compliments and the memories and everything fun in between. I miss being happy. I miss being a kid and having no worries. Reality sucks and we avoid reality by lying to everyone around us.
Have you ever just laid in bed and cried? Not for any particular reason, but at the same time for every reason? For not being good enough for society anymore, and everyone picking at your flaws. It seems like every time we finally become comfortable with ourselves, society comes up with a new perfect. You’re getting torn up inside, but your body can’t find a way to cry for help. Almost as if you’re trapped in a box all by yourself and all you can hear is the bad things people have to say about you. All your “friends” turning around and stabbing you in the back. Then, there comes this point where your scared to show your face anymore. Scared someone will have something to say whether you do something good or bad. It seems like your family is so dysfunctional and they just don’t seem to understand you. They live with you and say they get it, but when you try to explain it they don’t get it at all. You bottle everything up, and suddenly one day something happens and all that bottled up emotion comes poring out. Yeah, you’re smiling on the outside, but that happy girl really goes home just to cry her broken heart out.